Modern American suburbia is not all it’s cracked up to be in Cauliflower Garden, a one-act improvised opera.

CHARACTERS

Adrian: a native of Philadelphia who has difficulty balancing the demands of his cleaning business with his passion for sponge painting. Husband to Nairda.
Nairda: a refugee from Saudi Arabia and restaurant owner who takes quickly to the American Dream. Husband to Adrian.


LIBRETTO

Chorus
People are a-comin’ from near and far.
Did-ja get that call?
Could it be you in Cauliflower Garden?


PART 1

Adrian Walks the Dog

Poo! Poo! Poo, you piece of shit!

In ten minutes Nairda will pick me up for the party,
the party on the rooftop patio, with all of its smiling vanity;
up there in the higher regions of comparison.
(These are the words of Kierkegaard)
Cosmopolitans and kisses on the cheek;
new shoes, but you will only be noticed for your bulging belly.

Yes, that’s right, sniff, sniff sniff---damn it!
Another dog across the street!



Nairda at a Party

I came to this great nation with nothing---
Not a penny to my name;
But I knew how to play the game.
Look at me now!
At least half of you are my employees!


I was almost executed in my homeland of Saudi Arabia,
sentenced to death
for possessing 248 issues of Playboy magazine,
carefully organized in three boxes,
kept under my bed,
and covered by a rug,
found by my father,
who flogged me in the street that very same day.

The night after the trial I was released by way of a bribe,
supplied by an anonymous champion of queer rights.
I was given a fake passport and a seat on the next flight to New York City,
ultimately arriving here in Sunny Philadelphia!
City of Brotherly Love!

I met Adrian--
(that’s him over there, on the wicker chair)
---at my first Philadelphia Pride and what a ride!
Now we reside in Cauliflower Garden
and have our names on the adoption waiting list,
after five years of wedded bliss!

Chorus
People are a-comin’ from near and far.
Did-ja get that call?
Could it be you in Cauliflower Garden?



PART 2

Adrian Drives to a Job

I use cellulose sponges,
the most common sponge,
for most common clean ups.
But no, I don’t mind stopping at the store and waiting ten minutes more for the doors to open so I can buy a natural sponge, apparently picked from the sea floor!
Damn you!
Such a sponge is course and uneven;
it does not allow for subtle lines and precise patterning.

But I must do as you ask,
for this is a wonderful car with payments to make and insurance to pay---
and that’s nothing to say of the mortgage and credit cards.

Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn.
I cannot carry on like this!
A sponge in my hand is not a blue-collar tool to clean your quartz countertops!
It is a creative instrument of the highest order!
Don’t you understand?
It calls into existence a world of colours,
suggestions and shades,
shapes and textures;
the secret, sublime language of my very soul.


Nairda Phones a Friend

Did you know that he’s using again,
After three months in rehab, he’s using again!
And his ex is taking him to court---
No that’s fine, I can wait, your mother is important
---As I said, his ex is taking him to court for that awful camel painting
from their engagement in Egypt.

Uh, huh
Yes, I know her well
Oh, really?
What the hell?
You know they had the baby shower at my restaurant?
That douche in a suit walks in like some Mormon Don Juan
Promising her a white picket fence and a fresh-cut lawn
while all the hussies at his office fawn over his big fat check book.

What a tragedy for her and the baby.
Pregnancy.
How complicated it makes things for straight couples.


Chorus
People are a-comin’ from near and far.
Did-ja get that call?
Could it be you in Cauliflower Garden?


PART 3

Adrian Goes for a Run

Try to be positive! Try to be positive!
I’ve repeated this well-meaning mantra again and again,
year after year,
but it doesn’t work, my dear!
My moods are not a character flaw, Nairda
And positivity is not the ideal state, Nairda

Remember the day you discovered a much different mantra in the notes app of my iPhone when I absentmindedly left it at home?

“I am dying.
I have not wonderfully succeeded in any area.
I will never have an ideal relationship with anyone in my life.”

This mantra I write on my heart and you cannot expunge it!
Your Gospel of Positivity is the new opioid of the masses,
forcing feigned satisfaction with a small set of societally accepted options for ones life.

I do not want children!
I do not want a dog (though I dutifully walk that barking bitch three times a day)!
And I do not want this home in the suburbs!
Oh God it feels good to say that!






Nairda Receives a Cheque

He was found face down,
on Cauliflower Garden Confederation Trail,
by another runner
who called emergency
and thought to perform CPR while waiting the fifteen minutes,
but had no idea how,
and also thought to contact a family member,
but had no idea who to call.
Adrian did not take his wallet or phone on runs.
I was notified four hours later
by police going door to door
with a photo of his dead body,
one of his clients finally giving a positive identification.

Those are the facts,
and how painful to recount.
Yes, that is the insured amount.

What small comfort, this cheque for $500,000,
which I will spend on a surrogate,
and later, a live-in Nanny


Chorus
People are a-comin’ from near and far.
Did-ja get that call?
Could it be you in Cauliflower Garden?