Of course we all know Santa Claus is made up. No one in their right mind would believe in Bigfoot. And Hope Hamm’s conviction that she will find a living Pterodactyl at Pterodactyl Lake is nothing but hogwash! Right? Right???



LIBRETTO


CHARACTERS

Elder Hamm: leads Persecuted Believers in the Atoning Blood of Christ Bible Church
Hannah Ham: Elder Hamm’s daughter
Hope Hamm: Elder Hamm’s sister
Uncle Reinhart: Elder Hamm’s brother, leads a rival house church
a UFOlogist and his choir


A FIELD TRIP TO PTERODACTYL LAKE

Elder Hamm:

Do you see these growth rings Hannah?
How could these rings possibly point to a billion-year-old earth?
Hannah, how old do you think the earth is based on this evidence?
That’s right. Very good Hannah. These rings clearly indicate a 6,000 year old earth!

And that is why we can trust the Book of Genesis!
We can find answers to all of our questions about the origin of the earth in the Bible!

I know it can be lonely in a class of one,
But we have consecrated you to the Lord, spared you from the teaching of Evolution!
Spared you from school dances, Native Spirituality and Health Class.

Hello park warden. Umm, no I wasn’t aware it was against the law to chip at a tree.
I’m on a field trip with my student, my daughter here.
Oh, those half-naked bathers saw me take an ax to this birch tree?
That’s interesting.
How old do you think this tree is Warden?



A SERVICE IN ELDER HAMM’S HOME


Hilderbrandt Brothers Trio sings “This World is not my Home”.

Elder Hamm:

Thank you Hildebrandt Brothers Trio.
And lord we pray you will move in the hearts of the lost Brazilians,
That they will see that the Amazon forest is not their home.
Fill our “Hannah of Recife” with your spirit!
Give her the strength to walk the martyr’s way if it should be your will!
Amen!

We received a letter from Hannah this week. She asked that I read it during the service:


Greetings Persecuted Believers in the Atoning Blood of Christ Bible Church,

Please read this at the next service.
It’s a sunny day.
My stomach is sore.
I shared the gospel with two people so far.
I’m going to baptize the dogs tomorrow.
Praise God for calling me to the mission field.
Brazil needs to get saved and not go to hell.
I sleep without a pillow and sometimes I fast.
God is speaking to me all the time and I do what he says.
I’m writing a journal you can make into a book when I die.
Send more donations.

In Christ,
Hannah of Recife


Amen. Praise God.

Now a scripture reading, from the King James Bible, Psalm 45:

My heart is inditing a good matter: I speak of things which I have made touching the king: my tongue is the pen of a ready writer. Thou art fairer than the children of men: grace is poured into thy lips . .


Uncle Reinhart:

Hello!!! Gutentag, wie gehts? Anybody home?
Oh, there you are Scheitystick, my dear little brother! Ha ha!


Elder Hamm:

We are in the middle of a scripture reading and I told you to stop calling me that!

Therefore God hath blessed thee for ever. Gird thy sword upon thy thigh. O most mighty, with thy glory and thy majesty. And in thy majesty ride prosperously . . .


Uncle Reinhart:

I’m gonna interrupt you there Sheitystick. If you wanna go to the source, you gotta read the Gutenburg Bible! I taught my whole house church Latin just to understand my readings ! Ha ha.
And we don’t sing any of that Southern Gospel shit you like. It’s all Luther’s Chorales! Ha ha.

Sings first line of “Ein feste Burg ist unser Gott”

Oh, and we’re doing a study on Thomas Aunis’ arguments for God.
Here’s a little preview, but you should all really switch over to my church!
Ha ha.
The proof for Aunitology. Think about a pair of scissors.
Now take a roll of tape and cut off a long piece.
Then use that piece of tape to tape up the scissors.
Now, can you still use those scissors to cut tape?
No, not unless you take off the tape. But where did the strip of tape come from?
Well, you cut it with the scissors.
Pretty impressive huh?
I’m gonna use that next time I debate an atheist.
The proof of Aunitology. Ha ha.


Elder Hamm:

Yes, I think I’m familiar with that one.
The Hildebrandt Brothers trio will now sing “Power in the Blood”.
Alright boys.

Hildebrandt Brothers Trio sings “There is Power in the Blood”

We’re in the middle of a church meeting.
Yes, of course in my living room. The original followers of Jesus met in their homes.
We are the Persecuted Believers in the Atoning Blood of Christ Bible Church.
Oh, well if you’d like to discuss truth, of course you can come in.


UFOlogist:

Salutations to you all!
I am a ufologist and I am going door to door to share the good news of Sefan Michalak!
His gospel has been made known through the Revelation of Stefan Michalak:
His humble origin as a polish prospector,
His journey to Falcon Lake
The burns he received,
His return to health,
And his ascension in a spacecraft!

I have with me a choir, made up of believers. They are the Michalakies!
Let us minister to you through song!!!


ANOTHER TRIP TO PTERODACTYL LAKE

Hope Hamm:

This way.
Over here.
A little further.

Gasps as a large nest with a half dozen Pterodactyl babies come into view.

Don’t get too close. These pterodactyls only hatched this morning!

My children. I’m sorry.
I wasn’t there when you needed me.
I don’t know what else to say.
I knew I would find them if I just kept looking.
The signs were everywhere!
Droppings, abandoned nests, faint shrieks in the distance.

I couldn’t have expected you to understand.
My decades long obsession.
I missed seeing you grow up. Didn’t attend weddings or celebrate your professional achievements, didn’t join you on roadtrips.
I’m so so so proud of who you are!
In spite of me you have become all you were meant to be and are doing all you were meant to do!
Please forgive me!!! Please forgive me!!

Did you hear that?
Oh god, we have to get out of here!
I thought Pterodactyl mothers abandoned their young after birth!!!